A BRIEF GUIDE TO PARENTING PLANS

While separation and divorce can bring welcome relief to the tension of an unhappy marriage, the actions may also add complexity to the whole business of being a parent.  Parenting becomes even more complicated as we adults struggle to establish independence and emotional distance while also meeting the needs of our children.  Where before there was one home to coordinate and manage, which was probably hard enough, now there are two.  Both homes may be characterized by busy schedules, strained relationships, and stressed parents, at a time when children exhibit high emotional needs.  Our children aren't getting divorced.  They are likely to remain loyal and loving with each of their parents, but sometimes what they need can get a bit lost in the whole process. 

Here is where a good parenting plan

can be helpful, and such a plan is essential

for the well-being of our children

over the long term.

  It can help to:

• Focus and organize us around our kids' emotional and practical needs.
• Provide a basic routine for everyday life, with predictable consistency, security and stability. 
• Reassure our children that they continue to be loved and cared for by each parent. 
• Enable parents to rebuild trust and security by providing a practical routine and structure, at a time when trust for the other parent may be at an all-time low.

The essential backbone of a parenting plan is built around several basic topic areas, as suggested below:

1. Guiding principles - include a few of the more essential ideas and values that parents will strive to achieve (e.g., we will treat each other with respect, civility and everyday courtesy; various parental priorities).
2. Parenting time - a schedule for the children's time with each parent.
3. Vacations, Holidays and Family Occasions
4. Exchanges and Transfers - specifying where, when and how the children will move from home to home
5. Decision-making Responsibilities - for everyday care and routines, as well as for the bigger decisions.
6. Communication & Information-sharing - the what, when and how of essential communication between mom and dad and third parties.
7. Health and Mental Health Care
8. Process for introducing new partners - This area can become a big issue even years after separation, so I like to see it addressed early on.
9. Normal Course Changes to the Parenting Plan - The needs of our children change over time, and we parents will have to adjust.
10. Resolution of Conflicts and Disputes

This list isn't exhaustive, but it provides a fairly thorough starting point.  Parenting plans often get off to rocky starts in the first few months of separation, but we grow into them over time with some trial and error to discover what works and what doesn't.  Most families start with the bare essentials in the early stages of re-structuring, and work out the details over an extended period.  Eventually, the predictable structure and continuity of a good parenting plan helps both parents and children to feel more settled and secure.

I often refer my client families to other resources such as those below:

• Google "Alberta Justice Parenting Plans" to access one of the most thorough guides available,  Critical Issues for Consideration When Developing Practical Parenting Plans for Families in Conflict: A Working Guide.  Written by Dr. Terry Pezzot-Pearce et al., a group of Calgary-based Family Law Interdisciplinary Professionals, in 2007, this publication can be downloaded for personal use, free of charge.
• www.divorcehelpforparents.com  
• www.emeryondivorce.com
• Philip Stahl's excellent book, Parenting After Divorce: A Guide to Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children's Needs, Impact Publishers, 2000.

CHILD INCLUSIVE PARENT COACHING

for separated & divorcing parents

• Minimize the negative impact of divorce for your children by planning for their needs

• Listen to the voice(s) of your child(ren), as mom and dad re-structure the family

• Create an effective parenting plan unique to age, stage, and family circumstances

• Build your ability to work together as parents

• Disengage from struggles with one another as you rebuild separate lives

This 5-10 hour consultation is based on an Australian program with documented success in helping parents remain sensitive to their children's voices while the parents undergo divorce.  Direct input from children may be obtained through child-focused interviews.  Parents are then coached to develop a parenting plan in view of this feedback, together with psycho-educational input on children and divorce. This personalized process builds on the Parenting After Separation program offered through Alberta Family Justice Services.  While child-inclusive parent coaching is appropriate for many, it is not appropriate in situations of very high conflict and/or violence.

 

Parent coaching can also assist in introducing  new partners sensitively to children and ex-partners, and for managing blended family situations.

 

For this coaching, I draw on my many years experience with children and families, as well as my training in family mediation and child custody evaluation.  I am recognized as an expert witness in Court of Queen's Bench of Alberta.